1 00:00:42,240 --> 00:00:43,240 What's the matter? 2 00:00:43,920 --> 00:00:44,920 Wind. 3 00:00:45,380 --> 00:00:46,580 Been at me all night. 4 00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:49,920 It must be yes, it is dead dog stew. 5 00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:54,680 That's better. 6 00:00:56,260 --> 00:00:57,260 That's a done a U -turn. 7 00:00:57,500 --> 00:00:58,500 Thank God for that. 8 00:00:59,540 --> 00:01:01,740 Well, better an empty house than a bad tenant. 9 00:01:02,060 --> 00:01:04,000 Well, just don't do your evicting in here. 10 00:01:06,100 --> 00:01:09,340 Dear Miss Trent, how do they know my name? 11 00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:11,040 Probably looked at the envelope. 12 00:01:15,840 --> 00:01:20,780 Dear Miss Trent, you have probably already won £2 ,000. 13 00:01:21,500 --> 00:01:22,720 Pig's bum, I have. 14 00:01:24,500 --> 00:01:26,720 Nobody gets anything for nothing, Tom. 15 00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:30,960 Now, if they had said, Dear Miss Trent, the likelihood of a decrepit old prune 16 00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:35,020 like you winning more than a gnat's knickers is about ten million to one, 17 00:01:35,040 --> 00:01:36,600 then I might have read further. 18 00:01:37,210 --> 00:01:41,070 I don't suppose they aim their campaigns at just one particularly perversal bat. 19 00:01:41,370 --> 00:01:42,370 Nasty little people. 20 00:01:42,710 --> 00:01:48,590 In fact, I think we might see the sun seize over long before we see that kind 21 00:01:48,590 --> 00:01:49,590 honesty in advertising. 22 00:01:50,030 --> 00:01:51,410 Honesty in anything, come to that. 23 00:01:52,410 --> 00:01:56,510 Honesty is the great lost art of our time. 24 00:01:56,850 --> 00:02:00,690 Now, what on earth does that mean? I don't know, but it sounded quite good. 25 00:02:01,050 --> 00:02:03,850 It would be nice if we were all honest. 26 00:02:04,050 --> 00:02:05,470 It wouldn't be, but bloody disastrous. 27 00:02:06,580 --> 00:02:11,080 This delicate ramshackle shed of our existence is only saved from toppling 28 00:02:11,080 --> 00:02:15,040 the cliff of life by the strands and web of deceit which anchor it to the 29 00:02:15,040 --> 00:02:16,040 crumbling lime. 30 00:02:16,460 --> 00:02:17,740 Would you care to repeat that? 31 00:02:17,980 --> 00:02:19,640 No. But it hopes not. 32 00:02:20,280 --> 00:02:24,420 It's only Monday, and her metaphors are already wildly out of control. 33 00:02:24,640 --> 00:02:28,920 What I'm saying is that we are brought up on lies and dishonesty right from the 34 00:02:28,920 --> 00:02:30,700 beginning. What is the first thing that a child hears? 35 00:02:30,980 --> 00:02:33,080 Oh, what a beautiful baby. 36 00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:35,300 It probably looks like a diseased tomato. 37 00:02:37,040 --> 00:02:38,800 I was a beautiful baby. 38 00:02:39,180 --> 00:02:40,940 Yes, well, I'm sure they told you that. 39 00:02:41,660 --> 00:02:45,440 Every little boy is told that he's going to grow up to be something amazing. 40 00:02:45,680 --> 00:02:48,600 Then he spends the rest of his life trying to work out why he's just a 41 00:02:48,600 --> 00:02:51,380 bit of gormless cannon fodder picking his nose with a shovel. 42 00:02:52,060 --> 00:02:54,540 Man is the only species that tells fibs. 43 00:02:54,780 --> 00:02:55,860 It's such a pity. 44 00:02:56,600 --> 00:02:59,880 We should all be honest about everything all the time. 45 00:03:00,440 --> 00:03:01,860 It'd never catch on. 46 00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:05,880 From now on, I'm going to be honest in everything I say. 47 00:03:06,440 --> 00:03:11,380 It might catch on, and the world will be a better place, all thanks to Tom 48 00:03:11,380 --> 00:03:13,740 Ballard, explorer and philosopher. 49 00:03:13,980 --> 00:03:15,380 And well -known fruit loop. 50 00:03:16,460 --> 00:03:22,660 You may mock, but just remember, mighty oaks come from little crab apples. 51 00:03:24,880 --> 00:03:26,240 Bloody old fool. 52 00:03:33,360 --> 00:03:34,259 Oh, my God. 53 00:03:34,260 --> 00:03:35,260 Hello. 54 00:03:37,120 --> 00:03:38,120 Morning, Diana. 55 00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:43,720 Good morning, Diana. 56 00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:52,320 On the good ship, lollipop, it's a quick trip to the candy shop. What are you 57 00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:58,760 doing? I may not be a very important person, but I would like to be 58 00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:01,260 as at least existing when I come into a room. 59 00:04:01,780 --> 00:04:06,330 Jane, when I... I am reading my private mail in my own private cell. I do not 60 00:04:06,330 --> 00:04:08,870 expect to be assailed by tap -dancing ding -a -lings. 61 00:04:09,910 --> 00:04:10,910 What do you want? 62 00:04:10,930 --> 00:04:12,230 I'm just doing my rounds. 63 00:04:12,450 --> 00:04:13,790 Oh, you've got a letter? 64 00:04:14,030 --> 00:04:18,089 Yes, from my niece, the Clapham Strangler, the one who wants to kill me. 65 00:04:18,630 --> 00:04:20,329 She thinks you're the bee's niece. 66 00:04:20,769 --> 00:04:21,769 Well, 67 00:04:22,070 --> 00:04:23,330 she wants to get married. 68 00:04:23,590 --> 00:04:24,850 Oh, so do I. 69 00:04:25,730 --> 00:04:26,910 Oh, isn't that nice? 70 00:04:27,270 --> 00:04:28,710 Oh, Jane, you're stopping so wet. 71 00:04:36,270 --> 00:04:37,830 The lovely Sarah. How wonderful. 72 00:04:38,050 --> 00:04:39,890 Well, she's bringing her intended down here. 73 00:04:40,250 --> 00:04:43,630 Oh, mustn't it be wonderful to have an intended? 74 00:04:44,110 --> 00:04:46,690 Da -da, da -da. 75 00:04:47,270 --> 00:04:49,570 Do you, Jane, take this man? 76 00:04:49,790 --> 00:04:56,770 Oh, yes, I do. I do, I do. Da -da, da -da. Oh, shut up. Oh, I'm sorry. I just 77 00:04:56,770 --> 00:04:59,710 get carried away when there's romance in the air. 78 00:05:00,510 --> 00:05:02,110 You'll never get married, Jane. 79 00:05:02,450 --> 00:05:04,410 What? Not a chance. 80 00:05:06,090 --> 00:05:07,410 honest at all times. No. 81 00:05:08,010 --> 00:05:10,430 I mean, if ever there was a spinster, it's you, Jane. 82 00:05:11,730 --> 00:05:16,170 No man in his right mind would even notice you, let alone take a second 83 00:05:16,510 --> 00:05:20,770 Is that true, Diana? No, Jane, it certainly is not true. Tom is just 84 00:05:20,770 --> 00:05:23,170 some rather silly psychological party game. 85 00:05:23,490 --> 00:05:24,910 I am being honest. 86 00:05:26,250 --> 00:05:29,490 Jane, you are never going to get within a hundred miles of Harvey Bay. 87 00:05:29,950 --> 00:05:30,809 Aren't I? 88 00:05:30,810 --> 00:05:35,280 Not a chance. You must realise that in the great swimming pool of life, Harvey 89 00:05:35,280 --> 00:05:39,700 Baines is permanently at the shallow end. Harvey is a man of great depth. He 90 00:05:39,700 --> 00:05:42,440 about as much depth as a puddle in a drought. 91 00:05:43,060 --> 00:05:46,000 His ideal woman is something that looks good with his car. 92 00:05:46,440 --> 00:05:50,340 Something that will prop up his well -justified lack of self -esteem. 93 00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:53,220 A glamorised, sexy doxy. 94 00:05:53,740 --> 00:05:54,740 That's what he wants. 95 00:05:55,240 --> 00:05:56,560 A beauty queen. 96 00:05:57,140 --> 00:05:58,440 A beauty queen? 97 00:05:58,800 --> 00:06:01,420 Yes, he's certainly not going to be interested in someone who looks like a 98 00:06:01,420 --> 00:06:02,660 leftover from a jumble sale. 99 00:06:12,880 --> 00:06:16,100 out this chappy my niece is so keen on, but I want you to keep your mouth shut. 100 00:06:16,280 --> 00:06:18,080 None of this onerty claptrap. 101 00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:21,200 It's very hard to waver once you're on the path to righteousness. 102 00:06:21,460 --> 00:06:24,440 One wrong word and you'll get my stick up your path to righteousness. 103 00:06:25,060 --> 00:06:26,060 Look, here they come. 104 00:06:27,060 --> 00:06:29,500 Now just, just button your lip. 105 00:06:32,660 --> 00:06:33,720 Hello, auntie. 106 00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:36,620 Don't call me auntie, you revolting child. 107 00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:39,120 Hello, Tom. 108 00:06:39,380 --> 00:06:40,380 Hello. 109 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:41,400 You're looking well. 110 00:06:41,880 --> 00:06:43,560 I had a terrible night with my wind. 111 00:06:43,940 --> 00:06:44,940 Oh! 112 00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:49,260 Diana, Tom, I'd like you to meet my fiancé, Sam Parry. 113 00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:54,320 How do you do, Miss Trent? I've heard so much about you. You're Sarah's great 114 00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:56,200 hero. She always was a silly child. 115 00:06:56,500 --> 00:06:57,500 Hello, Tom. 116 00:06:57,560 --> 00:06:59,360 Right, come on, let's all go and eat. 117 00:07:00,820 --> 00:07:02,680 You'll find the food quite revolting. 118 00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:06,500 Today, it's cat stew and eyeball soup. 119 00:07:09,220 --> 00:07:11,340 So, what do you do, Sam? 120 00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:12,920 Ah, you mean what are my prospects? 121 00:07:13,300 --> 00:07:14,460 No, no, no, not at all. 122 00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:17,700 If Sarah's chosen you, well, that's fine by me. 123 00:07:18,160 --> 00:07:22,380 Apart from her occasional attempts to kill me, I've always found her to be a 124 00:07:22,380 --> 00:07:26,380 very sound judgment, especially since she gave up running the knocking shops. 125 00:07:28,740 --> 00:07:29,740 What? 126 00:07:29,940 --> 00:07:33,580 Diana thought that running a model agency was akin to running a brothel. 127 00:07:33,580 --> 00:07:35,860 it's the same business, isn't it? You've got it, you sell it, you've still got 128 00:07:35,860 --> 00:07:36,860 it. 129 00:07:37,140 --> 00:07:38,140 Enough. 130 00:07:38,520 --> 00:07:40,800 I now have three beauty parlours. Oh. 131 00:07:41,260 --> 00:07:45,300 still pandering to women's weaknesses and insecurities. She's a sad, twisted 132 00:07:45,300 --> 00:07:46,600 woman, take no notice of her. 133 00:07:46,900 --> 00:07:49,320 A sack full of broken crockery. Thank you, Tom. 134 00:07:49,680 --> 00:07:51,360 Dead in everything but body. 135 00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:53,080 That's not like you, Tom. 136 00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:55,180 You're usually such a nice man. 137 00:07:55,480 --> 00:07:56,480 I'm still a nice man. 138 00:07:57,060 --> 00:08:00,280 I just happen to be a nice, honest man. 139 00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:02,920 You'll be a nice, honest dead man if you don't watch it. 140 00:08:03,220 --> 00:08:04,900 What do you do, Sam? 141 00:08:05,160 --> 00:08:06,720 Well, I'm in promotions and property. 142 00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:09,320 Wheeling and dealing, shaving the percentage. 143 00:08:11,090 --> 00:08:13,150 Commodities, franchises, bit of spec stuff. 144 00:08:13,370 --> 00:08:16,790 In and out of risk properties. We know what they say. If it moves, buy, buy, 145 00:08:16,850 --> 00:08:18,930 buy. If it stops, sell, sell, sell. 146 00:08:19,850 --> 00:08:20,850 Isn't he clever? 147 00:08:21,350 --> 00:08:26,170 Clever? I think he's an absolute... Are you all right? 148 00:08:26,610 --> 00:08:30,110 Fine, fine. Just a spot of wind backing up the hard way. 149 00:08:30,390 --> 00:08:31,390 Oh. 150 00:08:32,429 --> 00:08:33,630 Oh, my God. 151 00:08:34,130 --> 00:08:35,690 Jane, she'd been in an accident. 152 00:08:39,440 --> 00:08:40,440 beauty queen. 153 00:08:40,740 --> 00:08:41,820 Hi, Harvey. 154 00:08:42,539 --> 00:08:44,300 Hi. Yes, hi. 155 00:08:44,860 --> 00:08:49,880 It's such a privilege to be here on this glorious night in this wonderful place. 156 00:08:50,100 --> 00:08:54,480 Jane, this is the dining room at lunchtime. Oh, you're so funny. 157 00:08:54,780 --> 00:08:55,780 What's the matter with you? 158 00:08:56,040 --> 00:08:58,840 My hobbies are travel and world theater. 159 00:08:59,100 --> 00:09:03,300 What? For my talent piece, I'd like to sing my song. 160 00:09:03,860 --> 00:09:04,860 So... 161 00:09:16,110 --> 00:09:17,110 out of your mind. 162 00:09:17,370 --> 00:09:21,010 I really want to work with small children. And what's the matter with 163 00:09:21,010 --> 00:09:23,210 faith? Has someone hit you with a hedgehog? 164 00:09:23,890 --> 00:09:25,330 You're absolutely hideous. 165 00:09:26,810 --> 00:09:28,510 Well, I'll see you in my office. 166 00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:33,850 I'm so sorry, but she's a spinster, you know. 167 00:09:38,130 --> 00:09:39,150 Well done, Tom. 168 00:09:39,830 --> 00:09:44,250 I don't think I could have perpetrated such a miserably humiliating scene even 169 00:09:44,250 --> 00:09:45,270 on one of my best days. 170 00:09:46,350 --> 00:09:47,350 So much for honesty. 171 00:09:47,730 --> 00:09:51,710 Oh. Well, you can't make an omelette without cracking a few heads. 172 00:09:53,730 --> 00:09:55,490 I must try it out on Marion. 173 00:09:57,570 --> 00:09:58,890 What ho, Geoffrey. 174 00:09:59,170 --> 00:10:00,390 Lovely to see you. 175 00:10:01,170 --> 00:10:02,170 Hello, Marion. 176 00:10:02,410 --> 00:10:06,870 Is there a crisis, Dad? Life is a crisis, Geoffrey. But I have the 177 00:10:07,330 --> 00:10:08,330 Follow me. 178 00:10:08,910 --> 00:10:10,090 Did you bring my pills? 179 00:10:10,410 --> 00:10:12,130 I feel a tumour coming on. 180 00:10:16,970 --> 00:10:19,070 Your daughter -in -law bites the heads off hamsters. 181 00:10:19,370 --> 00:10:21,150 I always thought you were a great joker. 182 00:10:21,690 --> 00:10:22,690 I wasn't joking. 183 00:10:24,390 --> 00:10:27,450 So, what is this wonderful scheme you're going to tell me about? 184 00:10:27,830 --> 00:10:29,250 Sam's had a brilliant idea. 185 00:10:29,590 --> 00:10:30,590 Oh. 186 00:10:31,250 --> 00:10:32,250 Oh, Jane. 187 00:10:32,910 --> 00:10:33,910 Yes, Harvey? 188 00:10:34,270 --> 00:10:35,510 What can I say, Jane? 189 00:10:36,190 --> 00:10:37,570 What have you like, Harvey? 190 00:10:37,810 --> 00:10:38,910 I know that, Jane. 191 00:10:39,730 --> 00:10:43,270 I mean, what should I say when my trusted lieutenant goes totally banana? 192 00:10:44,010 --> 00:10:45,830 Maybe you should ask me why I did... 193 00:10:47,150 --> 00:10:48,210 what I want to ask, Jane. 194 00:10:48,470 --> 00:10:49,470 Sorry, Harvey. 195 00:10:50,510 --> 00:10:51,630 Why did you do it, Jane? 196 00:10:52,110 --> 00:10:53,890 Because you like beauty queens. 197 00:10:55,210 --> 00:10:56,210 Who told you that? 198 00:10:56,410 --> 00:10:57,410 Tom did. 199 00:10:57,930 --> 00:11:03,190 Yes, well, my relationship with Miss Huddersfield Tractors 1973 has got 200 00:11:03,190 --> 00:11:04,890 to do with Tom or you. 201 00:11:05,430 --> 00:11:08,150 Anyway, I don't see what that has to do with your grotesque charade. 202 00:11:08,410 --> 00:11:10,150 I was trying to be a beauty queen. 203 00:11:16,460 --> 00:11:18,080 You wanted to be a beauty queen? 204 00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:21,020 Oh, Jane, that's very funny. 205 00:11:21,540 --> 00:11:23,700 What were you going to be? Miss Short and Dumpy? 206 00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:26,040 Or Miss Back End of a Butt? 207 00:11:27,060 --> 00:11:30,300 All these years I thought you had no sense of humour, but you're the funniest 208 00:11:30,300 --> 00:11:31,700 thing on two little fat legs. 209 00:11:32,100 --> 00:11:35,280 Oh, that's funny. So you were just putting on a little show to cheer up the 210 00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:36,660 residents. Well, that's wonderful. 211 00:11:36,880 --> 00:11:38,960 Absolutely the right spirit. Just one thing, Jane. 212 00:11:39,260 --> 00:11:40,580 What? Never do it again. 213 00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:44,820 The idea of you as a beauty queen could bring on a wave of hysteria -induced 214 00:11:44,820 --> 00:11:45,820 cardiac arrest. 215 00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:49,240 And we don't want the dining room cluttered up with rattlers and gurglers, 216 00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:50,119 we? 217 00:11:50,120 --> 00:11:51,120 No, Harvey. 218 00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:54,080 And cook always gets so moody when people snuff it at mealtimes. 219 00:11:54,360 --> 00:11:55,279 Yes, Harvey. 220 00:11:55,280 --> 00:11:57,460 But no more jokes about beauty queens, OK, Jane? 221 00:11:57,780 --> 00:12:00,680 And you tell Tom to keep his nose out of my love life, OK? 222 00:12:01,600 --> 00:12:04,280 I'll see you later, beauty queen. 223 00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:06,880 Oh, that's very funny, Jane. 224 00:12:13,220 --> 00:12:14,880 Franchises. Mm, franchises. 225 00:12:15,420 --> 00:12:16,780 Same businesses all over the country. 226 00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:18,960 Oh, you mean like McDonald's and things? Right. 227 00:12:19,480 --> 00:12:22,120 Sam's going to sell franchises in my beauty parlour. 228 00:12:22,500 --> 00:12:26,640 Well, where do I come into this? We want you to run the Bournemouth franchise. 229 00:12:27,780 --> 00:12:28,780 Goodness. 230 00:12:29,100 --> 00:12:30,580 And I thought I was almost dead. 231 00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:37,420 And as Brutus says in Julius Caesar, Cassius, there is no terror in your 232 00:12:37,420 --> 00:12:41,940 threats, for I am armed so strong in honesty that they pass me by as the idle 233 00:12:41,940 --> 00:12:42,940 wind. 234 00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:47,720 A quotation that is doubly relevant to me today, as not only does it support 235 00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:52,560 honesty, but the references to Idle Wind are somewhat pertinent as well. 236 00:12:53,380 --> 00:12:59,580 And as Juvenal says in his satires, probitas laudatur et alget, 237 00:12:59,740 --> 00:13:06,560 honesty is praised and starved. So from now on, I have decided that honesty will 238 00:13:06,560 --> 00:13:10,120 starve no longer. We are all going to be honest and the world is long. 239 00:13:12,090 --> 00:13:16,070 Being honest, I have to admit, Geoffrey, that I have been a failure as a father. 240 00:13:16,330 --> 00:13:17,890 Well, I wouldn't say that, Dad. Look at me. 241 00:13:18,110 --> 00:13:19,110 I am Geoffrey. 242 00:13:20,590 --> 00:13:24,230 And I've been a competent father. I would have taught you perceptions of 243 00:13:24,230 --> 00:13:29,050 worth that would have made you run 10 ,000 leagues rather than marry this pill 244 00:13:29,050 --> 00:13:31,210 -popping packet of razor blades you call your wife. 245 00:13:31,510 --> 00:13:33,330 Geoffrey! Why my pills? 246 00:13:33,730 --> 00:13:36,630 Could you get to the point, Dad? Marion's about to jump out of her 247 00:13:36,910 --> 00:13:40,930 To be honest and to go forward, I must first love myself. 248 00:13:41,790 --> 00:13:45,130 But we are members of the same family, the same home. 249 00:13:45,950 --> 00:13:51,270 Therefore, you are part of me, so to love myself, I must love you. 250 00:13:56,950 --> 00:13:58,770 Geoffrey, I love you. 251 00:14:01,570 --> 00:14:05,470 And Marion, I love you. Get him off! Get him off! 252 00:14:10,700 --> 00:14:12,440 Don't you wish to be honest, Marion? 253 00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:15,000 Yes, I do. 254 00:14:15,360 --> 00:14:17,520 Marvellous. What do you want to say? 255 00:14:18,780 --> 00:14:19,940 I wish you were dead. 256 00:14:20,640 --> 00:14:21,640 Goodbye. 257 00:14:29,820 --> 00:14:31,080 Well, that's a bit depressing. 258 00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:34,000 Well, it's been great, Di. 259 00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:35,880 Really super. 260 00:14:35,940 --> 00:14:36,940 Lots of fun. 261 00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:39,680 So, if you could pop the cheque in the post, we'll get everything underway. 262 00:14:40,220 --> 00:14:42,100 Check? I'm sorry, what check? 263 00:14:42,440 --> 00:14:43,440 For the franchise purchase. 264 00:14:44,220 --> 00:14:46,900 Five to everyone else, but three to you, family. 265 00:14:47,700 --> 00:14:48,700 Three hundred? 266 00:14:49,340 --> 00:14:50,460 Wouldn't that be nice, eh? 267 00:14:51,460 --> 00:14:52,960 So, if you could bung us the five grand. 268 00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:54,980 I thought you just said three. 269 00:14:55,360 --> 00:14:56,360 For the franchise. 270 00:14:56,520 --> 00:15:00,020 But then there's the promo budget and initial leasing fee and equipment. 271 00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:02,180 Does Sarah know about this? 272 00:15:03,040 --> 00:15:04,860 Don't worry, I won't say a word. 273 00:15:05,700 --> 00:15:07,840 We'll call it a little prezzy from us to her. 274 00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:09,800 Mum's the word, eh? 275 00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:17,640 Child, I... I'm a bit shocked. 276 00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:20,720 My daughter -in -law wishes me dead. 277 00:15:21,160 --> 00:15:22,079 She always has. 278 00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:25,360 Yes, I know, but before, I always thought she was sort of joking, but she 279 00:15:25,360 --> 00:15:28,060 honestly said she wished me dead. 280 00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:30,780 Told you honesty was a bad idea. 281 00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:35,040 You remove the polite dishonesty from society and you're going to cop it full 282 00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:36,040 the mush every time. 283 00:15:36,460 --> 00:15:39,300 Yes, but it's not nice to be so disliked. 284 00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:42,060 What? can I do to win her over? 285 00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:43,900 Shoot yourself? 286 00:15:44,820 --> 00:15:45,820 Thank you, Diana. 287 00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:50,080 I always know I can rely on you to cut the cobblers and come up with something 288 00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:51,080 totally cynical. 289 00:15:51,840 --> 00:15:56,180 So, what do you think of Sarah and Sam's little idea? 290 00:15:57,020 --> 00:15:58,020 Scythe house? 291 00:15:58,040 --> 00:15:59,040 Yes. 292 00:15:59,320 --> 00:16:00,700 Running a beauty parlor? Yes. 293 00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:02,580 You? Yes. 294 00:16:03,640 --> 00:16:05,460 Darkest idea I've ever heard of. Yes. 295 00:16:06,860 --> 00:16:08,520 Sarah's chap is a con man. 296 00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:10,880 Well, be honest with us. 297 00:16:11,230 --> 00:16:12,290 But she's in love with him. 298 00:16:12,510 --> 00:16:16,450 What am I supposed to do, go up and say, Hello, Sarah, your fiancé's a little 299 00:16:16,450 --> 00:16:19,230 sharper. You should be shoved down the lobby forthwith. Yes. 300 00:16:19,730 --> 00:16:20,790 Break her heart. 301 00:16:21,050 --> 00:16:22,610 Well, he'll only do it later on. 302 00:16:22,830 --> 00:16:23,830 We don't know that. 303 00:16:24,250 --> 00:16:26,850 Women see good in the strangest people. 304 00:16:27,470 --> 00:16:30,970 Dare say Eva Braun thought Hitler was just a misguided dog lover. 305 00:16:32,450 --> 00:16:35,610 I don't suppose that nice Mrs Genghis Khan was hanging around just for the 306 00:16:35,610 --> 00:16:36,610 shopping opportunities. 307 00:16:36,670 --> 00:16:37,670 No, 308 00:16:37,990 --> 00:16:39,290 they might be glorious. 309 00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:40,860 I'm seriously happy. I can't interfere. 310 00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:43,260 But you can't run a beauty parlour either. 311 00:16:43,560 --> 00:16:47,900 No, no, I couldn't. As opposed to run a place like that, I would need to 312 00:16:47,900 --> 00:16:49,540 identify with the customers. 313 00:16:50,220 --> 00:16:52,260 I'd have to be virtually brain dead. 314 00:16:53,300 --> 00:16:54,400 I'd have to be Marian. 315 00:16:54,620 --> 00:16:55,620 Oh. 316 00:16:56,680 --> 00:16:57,680 By golly. 317 00:16:58,940 --> 00:17:02,240 I think I've got it. I think I've got it. 318 00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:03,440 Try penicillin. 319 00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:04,480 No, no, no. 320 00:17:04,700 --> 00:17:05,700 The brilliant idea. 321 00:17:06,160 --> 00:17:08,480 Can't you see the light bulb flashing round my head? 322 00:17:09,640 --> 00:17:11,420 I must dash. Got to get to London. 323 00:17:12,119 --> 00:17:13,700 Don't talk to Sam yet. 324 00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:17,020 God, Tom, you're brilliant. 325 00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:22,079 Take the train, Tom. The stagecoach doesn't stop here anymore. 326 00:17:23,660 --> 00:17:25,200 Oh, God. 327 00:17:25,859 --> 00:17:27,359 Last hope house. 328 00:17:27,839 --> 00:17:30,960 Diana? Oh, and here comes Miss Final Garth. 329 00:17:32,620 --> 00:17:33,700 Hello, Jane. 330 00:17:34,900 --> 00:17:39,320 Oh, dear. I was just thinking about you. Oh, that's, uh... 331 00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:41,880 What do you want? I'm knackered. 332 00:17:42,580 --> 00:17:44,480 I just came to say goodbye. 333 00:17:45,300 --> 00:17:46,300 Goodbye? 334 00:17:46,720 --> 00:17:48,280 That is goodbye forever. 335 00:17:49,480 --> 00:17:51,800 I know that I am going to regret this. 336 00:17:53,020 --> 00:17:54,060 All right, Jane. 337 00:17:54,300 --> 00:17:55,700 Bye. Goodbye forever. 338 00:17:56,340 --> 00:17:57,340 Tom was right. 339 00:17:57,660 --> 00:18:00,360 Tom is never right. Tom can't even say hello and get it right. 340 00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:02,380 Tom was right about me and Harvey. 341 00:18:03,020 --> 00:18:06,180 I'll never find the Holy Grail here at Bayview. 342 00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:08,400 Harvey Baines is not the Holy Grail, Jane. 343 00:18:08,810 --> 00:18:10,830 He's not even a mildly revered tooth mug. 344 00:18:11,290 --> 00:18:15,070 You only say that because you've not experienced real passion. 345 00:18:15,350 --> 00:18:16,590 Yes, I have. 346 00:18:17,310 --> 00:18:20,990 I have consumed and been consumed. 347 00:18:21,490 --> 00:18:25,030 I have made the sea boil up the beach. 348 00:18:25,510 --> 00:18:29,970 I have known passion that would kill a donkey at 500 yards. 349 00:18:32,410 --> 00:18:33,410 So far. 350 00:18:39,500 --> 00:18:44,700 as a younger woman, my romantic life was confined to rather stilted letters 351 00:18:44,700 --> 00:18:47,500 between me and my Canadian pen pal, Mr. 352 00:18:47,720 --> 00:18:48,720 Chigachgook. 353 00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:51,780 Mr. Chigachgook? He was Eskimo. 354 00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:53,080 Oh. 355 00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:54,960 An Inuit. 356 00:18:55,180 --> 00:18:56,420 No, he was very bright. 357 00:18:57,660 --> 00:18:59,260 Oh, God almighty. 358 00:18:59,900 --> 00:19:03,720 But somehow I never felt the spark of real romance. 359 00:19:04,180 --> 00:19:07,480 So I returned the bone that he'd sent me for my nose. 360 00:19:10,030 --> 00:19:11,270 and the midnight sun. 361 00:19:11,650 --> 00:19:13,310 And that's when it happened. 362 00:19:13,650 --> 00:19:17,350 What? Oh, the explosion of my volcano of passion. 363 00:19:17,730 --> 00:19:18,730 But when? Where? 364 00:19:18,770 --> 00:19:20,010 Here, of course. 365 00:19:20,390 --> 00:19:24,670 Oh, it was like the conversion on the road to Damascus. 366 00:19:24,930 --> 00:19:31,550 As I plodded up the drive with weary heart, I looked up, and there he was, 367 00:19:31,830 --> 00:19:37,650 Harvey Baines. He had a sort of aura around him. He uses a garlic deodorant. 368 00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:45,380 He turned towards me, his Roman nose in noble profile in the setting sun. 369 00:19:45,780 --> 00:19:47,080 He smiled. 370 00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:50,960 I swooned. He caught me in his arms. 371 00:19:51,180 --> 00:19:55,140 He smiled as he looked down at me with laughing eyes. 372 00:19:55,640 --> 00:20:02,440 Oh, and then his succulent lips parted. And in his manly 373 00:20:02,440 --> 00:20:06,240 voice, he uttered those first wonderful words. 374 00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:08,080 Keep off. 375 00:20:08,350 --> 00:20:09,350 the grass. 376 00:20:10,010 --> 00:20:14,950 Oh, and my heart burst into a thousand stars. 377 00:20:15,550 --> 00:20:17,990 Oh, Barbara, cut and eat your heart out. 378 00:20:18,270 --> 00:20:22,590 But it would appear my fickle heart has led me astray. 379 00:20:22,930 --> 00:20:24,330 It was not to be. 380 00:20:24,950 --> 00:20:28,350 My great passion is to go unrequited. 381 00:20:28,630 --> 00:20:32,490 And the man at whose feet I have prostrated myself. 382 00:20:43,150 --> 00:20:47,590 If only we could collide with another planet and get it all over with 383 00:20:47,590 --> 00:20:55,750 Hello 384 00:20:55,750 --> 00:21:02,370 Diana What can I do for you 385 00:21:02,370 --> 00:21:07,930 or have you come in for just a bit of grievous bodily amusement you and I 386 00:21:07,930 --> 00:21:09,370 always seen eye to eye. 387 00:21:09,610 --> 00:21:13,810 We never see eye to eye. Let's be honest here. Oh, no, please don't. Let's be 388 00:21:13,810 --> 00:21:18,210 honest. Being honest is a very bad idea. It causes nothing but pain. 389 00:21:18,450 --> 00:21:19,429 To whom? 390 00:21:19,430 --> 00:21:21,030 Well, Jane, for a start. 391 00:21:21,310 --> 00:21:24,310 Jane? What's wrong with her? She's in fine form. 392 00:21:24,570 --> 00:21:26,870 Didn't you see her splendid charade at lunch today? 393 00:21:27,190 --> 00:21:28,650 The beauty queen bit. 394 00:21:28,910 --> 00:21:34,450 Very funny. That, you dismal little earwig, was her last ditch attempt to 395 00:21:34,450 --> 00:21:35,450 your attention. 396 00:21:35,510 --> 00:21:36,510 Oh, really? Yes. 397 00:21:36,890 --> 00:21:40,970 For reasons best known to herself, she has developed a fixation about you. 398 00:21:41,290 --> 00:21:44,610 Yes, well, you know, these things tend to happen to a special guy. 399 00:21:46,230 --> 00:21:47,830 Try not to make me sick. 400 00:21:48,090 --> 00:21:49,090 I'm sorry, Diana. 401 00:21:49,610 --> 00:21:53,130 Well, she has found that there is no response from your good self. 402 00:21:53,370 --> 00:21:54,410 Well, she's not really my type. 403 00:21:54,770 --> 00:21:56,870 That's because she hasn't got a staple through her navel. 404 00:21:57,590 --> 00:21:59,510 Can we get to the point, please, Diana? 405 00:21:59,870 --> 00:22:01,210 She is very upset. 406 00:22:01,570 --> 00:22:03,170 She is leaving forever. 407 00:22:04,990 --> 00:22:05,990 Leaving? 408 00:22:08,140 --> 00:22:11,880 Precisely. Without her to run this place, your appalling inadequacies will 409 00:22:11,880 --> 00:22:12,880 revealed immediately. 410 00:22:13,420 --> 00:22:14,540 Oh, my God, what am I going to do? 411 00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:18,600 Well, if I were you, Harvey, I would lie through my teeth as I have never lied 412 00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:19,600 before. 413 00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:41,880 You want to what, Tom? 414 00:22:42,320 --> 00:22:43,900 I want to be honest with you. 415 00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:46,940 That's a fairly novel idea around here. 416 00:22:47,820 --> 00:22:48,820 Let's give it a try. 417 00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:51,560 Fire away. 418 00:22:55,380 --> 00:22:58,760 You are a bent little weasel who couldn't lie straight in his own bed. 419 00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:02,020 Sounds fair enough to me. 420 00:23:02,920 --> 00:23:04,180 Really? Oh, yes. 421 00:23:04,540 --> 00:23:05,680 I've been called far worse. 422 00:23:06,980 --> 00:23:08,260 And it doesn't worry you? 423 00:23:09,160 --> 00:23:10,160 No, not at all. 424 00:23:13,160 --> 00:23:17,740 You see, Tom, I can be honest too. 425 00:23:18,340 --> 00:23:21,920 I'm honest enough to admit that I don't have a single scruple in my entire body 426 00:23:21,920 --> 00:23:27,140 and that I have only two interests in life, making money and marrying Sarah. 427 00:23:28,100 --> 00:23:29,560 So you do love her? 428 00:23:29,800 --> 00:23:30,840 Oh, totally and utterly. 429 00:23:31,240 --> 00:23:32,920 She's everything I need in my life. 430 00:23:33,900 --> 00:23:39,020 She's good and lovely and she'll no doubt save me from my unpleasant self. 431 00:23:40,460 --> 00:23:45,080 So I need to make as much as I possibly can now before I turn into a foggy but 432 00:23:45,080 --> 00:23:48,120 happy bourgeois marshmallow. 433 00:23:49,980 --> 00:23:52,580 So you are open to blackmail? 434 00:23:53,780 --> 00:23:56,720 I'm open to anything underhand and deviant. 435 00:23:57,220 --> 00:24:01,800 So if I threaten to tell Thera what a cad you really are in trying to con 436 00:24:01,800 --> 00:24:05,360 out of 5 ,000 pounds, you might get worried? 437 00:24:06,040 --> 00:24:07,040 I would. 438 00:24:12,010 --> 00:24:13,450 I'd also break your legs. 439 00:24:14,210 --> 00:24:16,290 But I would get worried. 440 00:24:17,250 --> 00:24:18,410 You know something, Sam? 441 00:24:18,790 --> 00:24:21,550 I find your brand of honesty almost refreshing. 442 00:24:22,270 --> 00:24:25,430 I think we'd better talk turkey. 443 00:24:26,650 --> 00:24:27,890 Gobble, gobble, gobble. 444 00:24:29,070 --> 00:24:31,790 I don't know what to say, Dad. It's so generous of you. 445 00:24:32,470 --> 00:24:36,230 Marion has always wanted to have a beauty parlour. And now she's got one. 446 00:24:36,870 --> 00:24:38,150 But how did you pay for the franchise? 447 00:24:38,590 --> 00:24:39,590 I didn't. 448 00:24:39,800 --> 00:24:41,600 I got it by good, honest blackmail. 449 00:24:42,620 --> 00:24:44,380 Well, we're overwhelmed. 450 00:24:44,660 --> 00:24:47,360 And Marion has something to say to you. 451 00:24:47,920 --> 00:24:48,920 Marion? 452 00:24:52,440 --> 00:24:53,440 Thank you. 453 00:24:53,820 --> 00:24:55,320 Sorry, bit deaf. 454 00:24:55,560 --> 00:24:56,560 What did you say? 455 00:24:58,020 --> 00:24:59,020 Thank you. 456 00:24:59,220 --> 00:25:00,480 Oh, that's all right. 457 00:25:01,840 --> 00:25:03,160 Wasn't too painful, was it? 458 00:25:03,620 --> 00:25:06,680 I'm sorry. I said I wished you were dead. 459 00:25:07,000 --> 00:25:08,000 That's all right. 460 00:25:08,680 --> 00:25:09,720 Don't overdo it. 461 00:25:10,060 --> 00:25:12,220 First day. You don't want to exhaust yourself. 462 00:25:12,880 --> 00:25:14,200 Well, we'll be off, Dan. 463 00:25:14,580 --> 00:25:15,580 Thanks again. 464 00:25:15,940 --> 00:25:17,140 A kissy, Marion. 465 00:25:18,820 --> 00:25:19,820 A cold. 466 00:25:20,120 --> 00:25:22,060 Bye. Bye, Dan. 467 00:25:23,760 --> 00:25:24,820 Ah, generosity. 468 00:25:26,280 --> 00:25:28,980 The most subtle revenge. The Bible is right. 469 00:25:29,540 --> 00:25:30,600 Love your enemies. 470 00:25:31,980 --> 00:25:33,020 Drives them insane. 471 00:25:34,320 --> 00:25:35,320 Look! 472 00:25:35,940 --> 00:25:41,940 Despite your chicanery, Sarah and Sam have invited us to their wedding. Oh, 473 00:25:41,940 --> 00:25:42,940 much are the tickets? 474 00:25:45,540 --> 00:25:47,680 So, how's your wind? 475 00:25:48,320 --> 00:25:49,820 My wind is my business. 476 00:25:50,160 --> 00:25:52,020 Oh, what happened to open honesty? 477 00:25:52,480 --> 00:25:57,500 Oh, well, I don't know. I think perhaps I'm a bit too old to start a whole new 478 00:25:57,500 --> 00:26:00,340 crusade. I might just read a book instead. 479 00:26:00,860 --> 00:26:01,860 Oh, I see. 480 00:26:01,940 --> 00:26:06,440 So, having messed up... several lies as some sort of intellectual experiment. 481 00:26:06,820 --> 00:26:10,020 You're not bored. You're moving on, leaving the bodies lying around. 482 00:26:10,860 --> 00:26:11,860 Oh, dear. 483 00:26:12,020 --> 00:26:13,140 Is that what I've done? 484 00:26:14,080 --> 00:26:15,080 Hello. 485 00:26:15,560 --> 00:26:18,100 Here comes the main victim of your callousness. 486 00:26:19,020 --> 00:26:21,260 Hello. How are we all? 487 00:26:21,500 --> 00:26:22,500 Dead. 488 00:26:22,800 --> 00:26:25,220 Jane, Jane, I have something to say to you. 489 00:26:25,600 --> 00:26:29,300 I was only joking when I said that I thought you would be the eternal 490 00:26:29,300 --> 00:26:32,660 wallflower. I was thinking of someone else. It's all right, Tom. 491 00:26:33,290 --> 00:26:34,310 It's all for the best. 492 00:26:34,550 --> 00:26:36,330 It brought things to a head. 493 00:26:36,770 --> 00:26:39,250 Harvey has opened his heart to me. 494 00:26:39,570 --> 00:26:40,570 How revolting. 495 00:26:40,730 --> 00:26:47,430 He's explained about his tendency to have relationships with brainless 496 00:26:47,430 --> 00:26:50,290 women. They provide an intellectual challenge. 497 00:26:50,590 --> 00:26:55,910 It all goes back to his mother. She was very dominating and she forced him into 498 00:26:55,910 --> 00:27:00,730 an early marriage with a completely unsuitable concert pianist who is a 499 00:27:00,730 --> 00:27:02,270 and has tuberculosis. 500 00:27:03,020 --> 00:27:04,540 And he's in a clinic in Switzerland. 501 00:27:04,960 --> 00:27:07,140 So, of course, divorce is out of the question. 502 00:27:07,640 --> 00:27:14,020 So, until he's free from her, he said he feels he can't afford to fall for a 503 00:27:14,020 --> 00:27:20,780 real woman. So he has to dally in shallow relationships with naked women 504 00:27:20,780 --> 00:27:22,360 like farming equipment. 505 00:27:24,980 --> 00:27:28,340 So, what are you going to do? Buy a combine harvester? 506 00:27:29,100 --> 00:27:30,960 I'm going to wait for him. 507 00:27:31,550 --> 00:27:37,190 I'm going to see him through this time of trial, and then, well, who knows? 508 00:27:37,510 --> 00:27:38,510 See you later. 509 00:27:41,090 --> 00:27:45,210 The filthy, rotten, low -down, lying bounder. 510 00:27:46,170 --> 00:27:47,810 Jane is happy, Tom. 511 00:27:48,050 --> 00:27:50,270 Where on earth did he get a story like that from? 512 00:27:50,550 --> 00:27:51,850 I can't imagine. 513 00:27:54,010 --> 00:27:56,990 You! You wicked old woman! 514 00:27:57,310 --> 00:27:58,310 That's me. 515 00:27:58,530 --> 00:27:59,790 Give me the gin. 516 00:28:02,510 --> 00:28:04,050 I give up. I really do. 517 00:28:07,330 --> 00:28:08,750 To hell with honesty. 518 00:28:09,710 --> 00:28:13,690 Here's to the devious. Long may they reign. I'll drink to that.